The Caught-in-the-Middle Leader
Leaders are often pulled into conflicts that are not technically “theirs.” Two team members are at odds. A volunteer and a staff member clash. A family, board, or congregation is divided. Suddenly you are in the middle and expected to fix it.
That situation is stressful. It is also a leadership moment. How you handle it shapes not only this conflict, but how people will bring you problems in the future.
Own the process, not every outcome
Leaders sometimes assume they are responsible for the result: “If I do this right, everyone will be happy and the conflict will disappear.” In reality, leaders are responsible for stewarding a fair process, not for forcing a particular outcome.
A fair process looks like:
Creating space where each person can speak and be heard.
Setting clear expectations about respect and boundaries.
Naming when the conversation is getting off track.
Knowing when to bring in a neutral third party, rather than trying to carry it alone.
When leaders confuse process and outcome, they either over‑function (taking on everyone’s work) or under‑function (refusing to engage at all). Neither serves the people involved.
Watch the stories you tell yourself about each person
The stories you rehearse about people in conflict are not neutral. If you silently cast one person as “the difficult one” and the other as “the reasonable one,” you will unintentionally lean the process in that direction.
Before you start a conversation, ask:
What assumptions am I carrying about each person?
How do I differ between my assumptions and “the facts”?
What might I be missing about their experience or constraints?
How might I see each of them if I began with curiosity instead of judgment?
Those questions do not erase bad behavior. They do help you approach each person with clarity instead of reactivity.
Know when to call in a mediator
Some conflicts are too complex, too emotionally loaded, or too close to your own role for you to handle alone. Bringing in a mediator or facilitator is a form of wise stewardship.
Signs you may need a neutral:
You are personally part of the conflict or feel uncomfortable with the conflict.
Power imbalances are significant.
There are legal, ethical, or safety issues.
Repeated conversations have gone nowhere, and people are becoming entrenched.
If you are a leader who feels caught in the middle of a conflict and unsure what to do next, SanctuaryADR can help you think through options, support your role, or facilitate the conversation itself.
Further Reading and Resources
Nikitara, M., Dimalibot, M. R., Latzourakis, E., & Constantinou, C. S. (2024). Conflict Management in Nursing: Analyzing Styles, Strategies, and Influencing Factors: A Systematic Review. Nursing reports (Pavia, Italy), 14(4), 4173–4192. https://doi.org/10.3390/nursrep14040304
Wrench, J. S., Punyanunt-Carter, N. M., & Thweatt, K. S. (n.d.). Chapter 9: Conflict in relationships. In Interpersonal communication. SUNY Geneseo Milne Library. https://milnepublishing.geneseo.edu/interpersonalcommunication/chapter/9/
