Let the Conversation Breathe

Recently, I was asked to mentor a group of new mediators during a family law training. In one role play, a couple was working through a tense part of their conversation. Their voices were sharper. The pace had picked up. There was some frustration in the Zoom room.

The mediator paused and suggested they separate into different rooms. Something we call a caucus.

Both participants shook their heads and said no.

The mediator moved forward with the separate caucus anyway.

After the simulation, we talked it through. The person who was in the role of mediator explained that she felt things were getting too heated and believed it was her role to take control before it escalated.

I understood that instinct. When I was newer to mediation, I thought the same way. I believed managing the process meant stepping in quickly, calming things down, and keeping a tight hold on the conversation.

Experience has changed my view.

The couple in that exercise was not out of control. They were not threatening each other or shutting down. They were communicating in a way that was familiar to them. It may not have been polished or comfortable to the mediator, but it was real and they were making progress.

That matters.

A good conversation in mediation is a lot like a bottle of wine. You have to open the bottle, pour the wine into a decanter, and let it breathe. Decanting helps the wine separate from any sediment, allows oxygen to open up the wine, and releases complex aromas for a better tasting experience.

If you drink wine immediately from the bottle, it may be okay. But if you rush drinking the wine immediately from the bottle, you miss what is there, and you certainly miss the potential of what can be. Give the wine a little space, it opens up.

The same is true for people. When they have room to speak and be heard, even with some tension, the conversation often becomes more productive. The potential becomes a reality.

Great mediators know that there is a difference between intensity and breakdown.

When mediators step in too quickly or override what the parties are asking for, it can interrupt that process. It can also send a subtle message that the mediator’s comfort matters more than the parties’ productivity.

Separating people into different rooms can be helpful at the right time. But timing matters. If it is introduced too early, or against the wishes of the participants, it can slow things down or create distance where it is not needed.

Part of good mediation is knowing when to step in and when to step out of the way. Managing the process does not mean controlling people. It means creating enough structure for a real conversation to take place, even when that conversation is uncomfortable.

If you are considering mediation, this is worth knowing. You should expect a mediator to guide the process, but not to shut you down or force you into a style of communication that is not your own.

Sometimes the most effective thing a mediator can do is simple.

Let the conversation breathe.